


The badger incident

by icaw98



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Crack, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-05 21:54:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20495927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icaw98/pseuds/icaw98
Summary: What really happened during Kamoshida’s change of heart.





	The badger incident

“I was responsible for the Badger incident of 1940; in my defense, I didn’t know badgers weren’t firework compatible.”

Students and staff alike regard the suddenly southern teacher with blank expressions, clearly perplexed, and not having the slightest clue how to proceed. Kobikawa (who cares if that isn’t his real name, he’s going to get hit by a truck anyway) all the while stares at the audience with a mortified expression.

“Komashida, get off the stage,” The unfortunately designed man hisses, eyes unintentionally straying to the volleyball teacher’s ass. And get your ass out of my face, he refrains from saying, for the sake of the students he doesn’t actually give a damn about.

“I’m telling you this now because I have found the lord,” Komashida continues on in his recently developed southern drawl, “I have found the lord, and I pray to guide all you lost students to him!”

“What the fuck is he on about,” one of the former track team students asks, speaking with the voice of that one generic student every class has, (you know, the monotonous fuck boy tone.)

“I don’t believe this,” Ann mutters, clutching her stomach as a sudden sharp pain grips it. “Shit! Is this all stealing his heart accomplished?!”

“For real,” Ryuji clucks, spouting his stock quote.

“Just wait,” Morgana mews from Arriko’s bag, sticking his head out in full view of everyone; thankfully, all the students and staff keep their eyes on the spectacle before them, not quite knowing what will happen next.

“...I would like to formally invite y’all to a month of bible camp on my yacht, and I swear by the Lord I won’t molest any of you.”

“Okay, you should really get off the stage now,” Kobikawa repeats.

“And now, I would like us all to take a moment to pray-“

An ear piercing shriek rings out, disrupting the suddenly southern volleyball coach, and an excessively loud thud immediately follows.

“Panther’s down, someone help her,” Morgana yowls.

“For real,” Ryuji screeches.

“Someone call an ambulance,” Kobikawa commands, focus shifting from the manic volleyball coach to the student passed out on the ground.

“Bible study will be postponed until this woman, who I did not have sexual relationships with, recovers from her exploding ‘pendix.” Komashida blurts, slamming his bible shut.

“For the last time, if you don’t vacate this stage this instance, it will be my boot up your ass,” Kobikawa snarls.

The threat works, for Komashida immediately stands and jumps off the stage, rushing to Ann’s side and shoving a cross in to her hand. “Gather ‘round students’ we must all pray for your classmate’s survival!”

“No way am I gonna’ pray,” Monotonous Fuck Boy scoffs, promptly veering towards the gymnasium door.

“The bell doesn’t dismiss you, I dismiss you,” Kawakami shrieks at the retreating MFB, jet packing after the errant student and grabbing him by the wrist, “STAY UNTIL THE ASSEMBLY IS FINISHED,” she shouts directly in his ear.

“Fuck this noise.”

“For real,” Ryuji snaps at his former teammate, fed up with his stupid voice.

“Alright everyone, settle down,” Kobikawa calls in to the microphone, “an ambulance will be here shortly, just keep this girl alive until it gets here; Shujin can’t afford to have any more dead children on its record.”

“Shiho’s still alive asshole!”

“Oh, Shiho is alive,” Kobikawa exclaims, raking his gaze over the gathered teachers, “that means Shujin has no dead children on its record,” he proclaims, slowly enunciating to the staff.

All faculty members regard their superior with a blank expression, clearly uncomprehending, and Kobikawa winks.

“That is sexual harassment and I don’t have to take it,” Mr.Ushimaru sniffs, retreating towards the doors.

“What,” Kobikawa sputters, flabbergasted, “I wasn’t- just make sure the girl doesn’t die!”

“Um, principal Kobikawa, that girl’s ‘pendix has just ruptured,” Yamauchi informs, speaking in the same drawl Komashida developed seemingly over night, “how we s’posed to keep her alive?”

Kobikawa remains silent, regarding Yamauchi with a blank stare.

“Right... we’ll figure this out ourselves,” Yamauchi mumbles, returning his gaze to Ann.

A group of students are now dancing in a circle around the fallen girl, hands linked and voices raised as they practically scream, “rain, rain, rain, rain, sun, sun, sun, sun!”

“You pagans are killing her,” Komashida shrieks, attempting to use his bible as a defibrillator. 

“That book doesn’t have lightning,” MFB calls to Komashida through cupped hands, using them as a megaphone.

“We don’t need electricity when we have God on our side,” Kamoshida retorts, repeatedly thumping his bible on Ann’s chest in a poor effort at chest compressions. “Wake up child, wake up!”

“This is so fucking stupid,” MFB states, shaking his head, and Yamauchi sighs.

“This girl’s going to die.”  
————————————————-  
Finally, after nearly an hour of chanting, praying, screaming, shaking heads and sighing, repeated F-bombs, (courtesy of MFB) and Ryuji’s constant, “for reals?!” the ambulance arrives with five police vehicles in tow, ramming in to the gymnasium and parking on top of the bleachers.

“Alright, load the girl,” a paramedic calls as thirty eight officers enter the gymnasium, guns poised on the flustered occupants-

“Police brutality,” Arriko wails, promptly hiding behind Ryuji.

“For real!?”

“Alright, which one of you is Komashida,” one officer sighs, rolling his eyes as he completely ignores the terrified Arriko.

“I am Kamoshida sir,” Kamoshida proclaims, stepping away from the mass of cowering students, “and I did not have sexual relations with the woman who’s ‘pendix exploded.”

“Sure, get in the car,” the officer mutters, jotting down notes.

“God says to love thy’ enemies-“

“GET IN THE CAR!”

With a frantic squeak, Komashida scrambles in to the back of a police vehicle.

“That everything,” another officer asks Kobikawa, notebook at the ready as she waits for his statement.

“No, this isn’t everything,” Kobikawa begins, speaking slowly, as if he were talking to his staff instead of a competent human being, “how is this school going to have assemblies, or gym class? You just destroyed the gymnasium!”

“Have a car wash,” the officer says, closing her notepad and departing.

One by one the ambulance and police cars leave, tires gouging furrows in the gymnasium’s floor. (surprisingly, no tires are popped after rolling over bleachers, and myriads of other debris.)

“Principal Kobikawa, what do we do now,” a red eyed girl with short brown hair asks, rocking back and forth on her heels.

“Makoto, gather the student council, you’re in charge of the car wash.”  
————————————————-


End file.
